Thanks, and No Thanks

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November 22, 2006

Thanks, and No Thanks

My annual outpouring of gratitude

A great big thank you goes to the voters of Tennessee, for your choice in the U.S. Senate election, so that Bob Corker’s nice mother can finally get some rest and let Todd Womack drive for a while; and so that we don’t have to hear Harold Ford Jr. going on and on about his relationship with the man upstairs anymore.

Thanks go to national Democrats, minus Ford, for showing up and giving us someone to vote for—someone, after all, who doesn’t bog us down with many actual agendas or finite policy plans; and to national Republicans, for screwing up so badly you made Democrats look appealing.

Tennessee Democrats, through Dave Cooley, Jerry Cooper, Mary Pruitt, and other fine specimens, demonstrated their dedication to making sure no one else was forced to endure corruption scandals. Such martyrdom brings tears to the eyes.

Tennessee Republican officials won us over by championing ethics and keeping the income tax bogeyman away, but had to throw that ill-conceived “marriage protection” amendment in there. They get “kudos” for besmirching the goodwill they had otherwise engendered.

Let us also thank Knox County politicians, and the Second Amendment: County Commissioner Greg “Lumpy” Lambert and Tennessee Senate member Tim Burchett had, in separate instances, occasion to “pull iron” on would-be robbers. In doing so, they made sure we regard our own state and local elected officials with the proper amount of respect. You never know which ones might be packing.

Wal-Mart and other shrewd marketers who saved Christmas are due a round, because I don’t think I could have endured another War on Christmas. These retailers are to be showered with shopping gratitude for ensuring peace on Earth and goodwill toward [womyn and] men.

Thanks, Chattanooga Mayor Ron Littlefield, for championing change (er, the kind of change that makes one dead) to the disgustingly opulent weekly curbside recycling program. Thanks also to the couple thousand losers who signed Frank DePinto’s petition even though their signatures didn’t count. You provided that sweet goodness called fleeting false hope.

All kidding aside, it’s important to exalt our esteemed armed forces, who bravely fight against the worst enemy of all—i.e., planning that ranges between poor and none—and manage to come away heroic. Let’s wish all of those serving in any operation, any theater, a safe return home.

[This column appears in the November 22, 2006 Pulse.]

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