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November 24, 2005
Lance's List of Love - Things for which I am thankful
[Cross-posted from The Pulse]
Yes, you might think it odd that a column so usually devoted to griping about low voter turnout or lobbyist liaisons – not to mention the fact that it stands in for the departed but equally cantankerous “By the Way” – would pay homage to the hopelessly cheerful holiday recently described on one of my new favorite blogs as “Christmas’ bitch,” but we at the Civic Forum like to represent a wide variety of perspectives. It sort of comes with the multiple-personality disorder, rather like the toothbrush you’ll never use that’s ignominiously strapped to just the box of toothpaste that you want. So here is your plaque-fighting fluoridated extra-whitening breath-freshening gratitude list in a convenient bright blue gel:
I’m thankful for state and local elected officials. No, really, without them there would be so much less starting material. Special mention goes to our own contingent of the Tennessee Waltz team (wish them luck in Beijing 2008, for what it’s worth), the trio Cotton, Crutchfield and Love. They really raised the bar with the federal indictments. JoAnne Favors’ artful play of the race card gets her a thank-you card in return; and Curtis Adams’ solo exhibition of “the most energy one person can expend to remove a different person from office even when the first person no longer has the power to do so” was sheer mastery. The Chattanooga City Council receives a group mention for their efforts to regulate all the annoying little things in the world (most recently, dogs in parks). Oh, and we can’t forget to say a huge thank-you to Governor Phil Bredesen for making good on his TennCare promises. Whack the enrollees: now that’s just genius.
I’m thankful for a judicial system that provides for a jury of one’s peers. This one reaches back a few years for the actual experience, but for some reason it was on the mind. Judging by the dozen people with whom I proudly served my one-time jury duty, I can say that I hope I never get caught—I mean, I hope to stay on the good side of the law. Maybe this is the wisdom of it. A person who breaks the law deserves to be tried by such an assortment. What about the innocent, though? Or what about those for whom it would really be difficult to find more than one or two peers? I’m thinking of a certain Christian™ musician who stands accused of swindling donated funds for his own personal “ministry.” When one has a voice that sounds like Michael Bolton having Joe Cocker’s baby, and a trumpet tone which teams of Oak Ridge scientists dream of capturing for its use in a new weapons-related program activity, what chance is there of finding a qualified crew? If I were his attorney, I could prolong voir dire for æons.
I’m thankful for freedom of speech, and the inventors of the radio, for thus we have talk radio. I’m not here to promote Left nor Right, Limbaugh nor Franken; I’m here to express gratitude for the facts one can ascertain from any of it. Randi Rhodes informed me just last week that Delaware is part of Maryland. Join me in a slap to the forehead for not ever catching that geographic subtlety. Religious stations are of course no exception, either. I was scanning through the frequencies and landed for a few minutes on 88.9 (WMBW). I finally saw the light when I heard a preacher clarify that the serpent of Genesis was named Eve (i.e., they were one and the same); homosexuality is what brought down the Roman Empire (never mind how poorly that plays to Visigoths like myself); all feminism is both New Age and satanic, as all women should stay at home and subject themselves to their husbands; and, perhaps most importantly, the United States Government is working very hard to destroy human society.
This Thanksgiving, for just the few minutes it takes, forget the turkey and the dressing and the pumpkin pie. Forget the family and the football and the 5 a.m. Friday shopping. Be thankful. And brush your teeth.
Pulsations | By joe lance | 09:19 AM